Choices.

Ever thought how life would be if you made the other choice? When you were face with the dilemma to choose this path or the other, what would have happened if you had chosen the other one?

Lately, I’ ve been thinking about it. I mean, every day, every moment we make , consciously or unconsciously, choices that lead us to one place or another. And suddenly we arrive somewhere. Is this the place we should have been? If we have taken the other road, would we be in a better place than this?

I’ve made so many, seemingly, wrong choices in the past and I was hurt beyond tha point of breaking. But, while lying on the bottom of the bottomless pit of sadness, I met so many people willing to support me that became in the process some of my dearest friends. So, were these choices right or wrong?

The final outcome wasn’t so devastating as it seemed at the beginning it would be, but still are those choices the ones I should have made? If I didn’t I wouldn’t have met some of my best friends, but, also, I would be much happier and much less hurt lying in the arms of a caring lover than having to face some of the worst things in my life. And I don’t mean breaking up or having someone yelling at me. I mean having to face cold indifference when I had to face the death of my best friend. And afterwards, being so much hurt that still, after more than two years I’m still unable to trust a man to be with me. So many things. lies, mistrust, being used and being judged gor that by the same person for that. I had to explain myself for giving more than I should.

Moreover, if I had chosen to be single than “double” would I have much more time to spent with my best friend whom I lost so suddenly and without any warning? If I had chosen not to be so involved with a volunteer organization would I be more aware of his being unwell? I still wonder if I would be able to notice some signs of his illness and force him to go to the doctor before it was too late had I spent more time with him.  I still see nightmares where he calls out for me and I am unable to reach him…

Yes, I chose to become an administrative stuff to a volunteer organization. I really loved being active and creative. Unfortunately, it consumed so much time and put so much pressure on me while I had just lost my best friend that I couldn’t make it. I even almost had a heart attack from the pressure. And I had to resign. I still feel so bad about resigning. I didn’t want this thing to end so badly, I loved working there… And still, I wonder if things would have been different if I had made different choices, if I had chosen a different path to follow.

And this year, I lost my grandmother… I adored her and I lost her to cancer only one month after the diagnosis… And I wished with all my heart that I could turn back the time. That I would be able to see my best friend’s and my grandma’s illness and make something about it. Anything. Something so that the guilt wouldn’t be so big. So that I would be able to say I did something for them or in the very least that I was there to remind them everyday that I loved them…

So, which is the right and the wrong choice? How do we even know what is what? And when we make each decision are we truly and fully aware of the consequences it will bring to us?empty

Dear self,

Hello!

Today I won’t upload a post about outfit inspiration (but wait for it, it will be out soon as well as the update, with pictures of my new hair 😉 ). Today this post is all about letting go and finding happiness…

Well, as I wrote before, 2011 was the toughest year of my life so far. My best friend died suddenly, I had a relationship with a guy I adores and he broke up with me after his birthday party while I was giving him his present (and no, I didn’t ak to give me back his present, why would I?), my mother was sick and almost died during a sergery so yeah… you see it wasn’t the happiest days of my life.

But (here comes the important lesson) no matter how many hardships we faced, we must learn to let them go. I know it is hard to embrace all the bad things happening to you. I know it is almost impossible to move on and live on while thinking of the friend you lost, or of the love you lost, but still… life is moving ahead and so should you. I am talking to myself too, don’t think I am a master of  strenght and power ’cause I am not. 

But we have to move ahead. Fear is not a good companion for your future, so let him be. Fear is often greater than the danger itself therefore you don’t need someone to make you see things more difficult and scary than they really are. Don’t be reserved even though you were hurt in the past. The past exists so that you’ll learn from it and you won’t repeat the same mistakes. It works as future’s guidelines not as a weight that slows you down and makes you go further away from your goals. Don’t be afraid to face it and deal with it. It is a painful experience, of course, but you will earn much more than you will lose. 

Don’t punish yourself by taking away from him what makes you happy. Try to stay true to him by doing what you know it is right. Deep inside us we know when we are doing something bad…. Imagine that yourself is a small, fragile baby. Will you let someone do to the baby what you do to yourself? If the answer is “no” then stop it. Not tomorrow, now. Your body, your heart and your soul are the only possessions you will have your whole life. Treasure them and they will compensate you. 

Lastly, remember that life may not give you what you want, but gives you what you need. What you need to become better, more clever, stronger. Life teaches you lessons. If you don’t learn them, they will repeat. So, have your eyes open, learn from what you do, what others do and what happen around you, so that you will upgrade. 

Make sure you will find happiness….