Ever thought how life would be if you made the other choice? When you were face with the dilemma to choose this path or the other, what would have happened if you had chosen the other one?
Lately, I’ ve been thinking about it. I mean, every day, every moment we make , consciously or unconsciously, choices that lead us to one place or another. And suddenly we arrive somewhere. Is this the place we should have been? If we have taken the other road, would we be in a better place than this?
I’ve made so many, seemingly, wrong choices in the past and I was hurt beyond tha point of breaking. But, while lying on the bottom of the bottomless pit of sadness, I met so many people willing to support me that became in the process some of my dearest friends. So, were these choices right or wrong?
The final outcome wasn’t so devastating as it seemed at the beginning it would be, but still are those choices the ones I should have made? If I didn’t I wouldn’t have met some of my best friends, but, also, I would be much happier and much less hurt lying in the arms of a caring lover than having to face some of the worst things in my life. And I don’t mean breaking up or having someone yelling at me. I mean having to face cold indifference when I had to face the death of my best friend. And afterwards, being so much hurt that still, after more than two years I’m still unable to trust a man to be with me. So many things. lies, mistrust, being used and being judged gor that by the same person for that. I had to explain myself for giving more than I should.
Moreover, if I had chosen to be single than “double” would I have much more time to spent with my best friend whom I lost so suddenly and without any warning? If I had chosen not to be so involved with a volunteer organization would I be more aware of his being unwell? I still wonder if I would be able to notice some signs of his illness and force him to go to the doctor before it was too late had I spent more time with him. I still see nightmares where he calls out for me and I am unable to reach him…
Yes, I chose to become an administrative stuff to a volunteer organization. I really loved being active and creative. Unfortunately, it consumed so much time and put so much pressure on me while I had just lost my best friend that I couldn’t make it. I even almost had a heart attack from the pressure. And I had to resign. I still feel so bad about resigning. I didn’t want this thing to end so badly, I loved working there… And still, I wonder if things would have been different if I had made different choices, if I had chosen a different path to follow.
And this year, I lost my grandmother… I adored her and I lost her to cancer only one month after the diagnosis… And I wished with all my heart that I could turn back the time. That I would be able to see my best friend’s and my grandma’s illness and make something about it. Anything. Something so that the guilt wouldn’t be so big. So that I would be able to say I did something for them or in the very least that I was there to remind them everyday that I loved them…